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4 Things I’ve Learned
From Observing Parents
If you
don't want insight into parenting from someone who isn't a parent then consider
this a fair warning. I do have a cat that I’ve kept alive for 4
years. I also have a lot of kids in my
life, including four awesome younger siblings, a niece, and two nephews who I
let slide down my stairs in a cardboard box yesterday, and regularly talk me
into getting them ice cream. I can't
give perspective from one parent to another. What I can give you is the
perspective of someone who spends time with teenagers and hears sometimes
subtle, sometimes not-so-subtle clues about their relationship with you. I can give you the perspective of someone who
has observed a lot of parents.
In order to
learn from them, I pay special attention to the parents who have good
relationships with their teen. I would
describe a good relationship between parent and teenager as mutual respect,
positive regard for one another, and a healthy process for handling
conflict. I’m sure good relationships
include a multitude of other factors, and I’m aware that what I witness and
interpret as a good relationship might look differently at church settings than
in the home. What I’m sharing here are
things I’ve seen consistently in a handful of families over time.
Here is what
I’ve observed, and some potential, hopefully practical, next steps to consider:
1.
They don’t do it alone.
They ask for help, prayer, wisdom and insight. They give and receive support from others.
You are playing a divinely-appointed role. No one can be your child’s parent the way you
can; you are irreplaceable. But, you’re
not super-parent. I don’t mean that in a
“you’re bad at this” kind of way. What I
mean is that you probably don’t have all the answers, and you’ll probably never
be able to execute flawless parenting. The hope that you ever could is rooted in a lie. The truth is that you were meant to do this
in community.
As a parent, what is it you need? Do you need to be taught skills to control
your anger? Do you need prayer for God
to give you strength? Do you just need
to talk to someone who understands? Your
needs are valid, but those around you can’t read your thoughts or see into your
family life to know what you need. It is
your responsibility to ask for help.
Who can help meet this need? Is it another parent? Possibly
someone who could benefit from a friend on their parenting journey? Is it a youth minister or another adult who
interacts with your teen regularly? Is
it a caring grandparent, young-at-heart type? Is it a counselor? Maybe it’s
some combination of these.
Recognize your need, and persevere in searching for people
who will walk alongside you.
2.
They show themselves grace.
A lot of parents are really hard on themselves, but that rarely
leads to productive change. Every parent has missteps, and your teen
might point those out. But, if your
value and security are in Jesus, then your shortcomings as a parent are
opportunities for growth. Failure isn't
doom, failure is learning. So give yourself grace, learn from it, and move
forward.
Don’t loosen up on yourself and use grace as an excuse to
keep dropping the ball in an area of your parenting that you know needs
work. But, don’t be bullied by guilt
into taking hard steps forward. Ask God and
a few trusted others to help you take the next step. He will see you through making that decision,
setting that boundary, or having that difficult conversation. Speaking of difficult conversations…
3.
They have the difficult conversations.
As a teenager, the conversations I tried to strategically
avoid, and resisted with heavy sighs, eye rolling, and sassiness were, in
hindsight, some of the most meaningful and helpful long-term. It’s easy to talk about what’s for dinner,
but it’s hard to talk about pornography. It’s easy to talk about college plans, but it’s hard to talk about
doubting God.
If you aren’t giving your teenager guidance and coaching, I
guarantee they are getting it somewhere else. Somewhere else may be google, it may be friends (the blind leading the
blind), or best case scenario it may be their small group leader at church. You can play those odds, or you can take
intentional steps to prepare for the subject matter, and then trust that God
will use that difficult conversation to shape your teenager to become more
Christ-like.
Spend time in prayer asking God to prepare you with wisdom
for the conversation. Do your part to
gain wisdom by reading up on the subject matter, and ask someone who is a few steps
ahead of you for insight.
4.
They seek to listen, understand, and know their kids.
They know things about them, like who their best friends are
and what they’ve been watching on Netflix. But, they also seek to really know
them. Like, what drives them, what makes
them belly laugh, their spiritual health, and what kind of character they have. Your teen probably won’t know how to answer if
you ask them how they’re growing spiritually, but if you’re looking and
listening, they will show you.
Grow in awareness; provide opportunities for your teen to
share their thoughts, ask clarifying questions if there’s something you want to
know more about (i.e. “What do you mean when you say that?”), and listen well
when your teen talks.
What would you add to the list?
